It is time to get real.

I was going to start my evening by visiting a few of my fav's and then writing up a review and giveaway. But as I sat down and started with my girl Julie and her post, my plans changed as tears welled in my eyes and her pain just made mine all too real as well. Especially after last night. I thought of THIS post I had written not that long ago, a post I thought would really motivate me. And it did in some senses. I cut my hair, started using lotion on those tired eyes, cleaned myself up a bit. But it didn't motivate me enough. I guess I should get started from the beginning......

Last night was an annual traditional family dinner. I got the family ready and then hunted through the closet for something for myself to wear. NOTHING FIT ME! And I don't mean kind of didn't fit. No my friends, DID NOT FIT. As a matter of fact, I actually came up with an idea, and discovered that what used to be my cute little dresses now fit me like cute TOPS!! May be slightly funny (and a dang good idea) if it wasn't so painful. I finally resigned myself to wearing my nice black maternity pants, but this didn't take care of the shirt. Shirts flew on the floor one after another, panic setting in as the minutes ticked by, sweat starting to bead on my forehead as that nasty little voice of self-degradation told me that I was deluding myself to EVER believe I would fit into the piles and piles of cute shirts in my closet. Clothes I haven't worn since college because I keep saying the same exact thing.....one day I will fit into this again. And the thing is.....that belief would be slightly far fetched even if I hadn't had two c-sections in less than three years. I rarely buy clothes, so the newest of my clothes (other than the new jeans I had to buy because I couldn't bear to be uncomfortable during errands anymore), are those that I bought in college. I think I may have a shirt or two my mom bought me in the few years after college. And though I really don't need to focus on how freaking old I am while I am in the midst of a weight issue, I can tell you that I graduated my college years and sorority looks about ten years ago.
Though sweet Julie has FAR more on her plate than I do, I am also taking (as she says) drugs for the crazies that make you gain weight. My dr. claims she put me on something that is "weight-neutral", but really I have discovered that means that unlike my last medicine I won't gain weight even while starving myself. What it means is that I have to fight this evil monster called hunger. I am telling you, this hunger is like nothing else. I will sit there, and as I am plating my second helping, I am telling myself how I don't need it, telling myself how fat I am, reminding myself of the double chin and fat clothes, and screaming at myself that everyone around me must be thinking the same thing to themselves-"no wonder this chick is fat!" But it doesn't do me any good. Because I feel like I am so hungry I could burst. And I have learned that if I don't satisfy this hunger, it gets more and more demanding until I am literally eating a whole box of cookies before I know what I am doing. And I weigh the options. Become an angry crazy momma......or a good looking momma. This isn't a choice. I can't be that upset person I used to be. My children love me whether their arms fit around me or not. But it is harder to love myself. It is harder to be in that room on Christmas with all the beautiful thin women in my family. And in a way, it just makes me depressed. How that can be while I am on the stupid drugs that are supposed to keep me from being depressed and that are the reason I am fat and sad anyway is beyond me.....but it is what happens.

And here is the thing. I had signs that this was happening. Things were happening that have NEVER happened before! All of us have experienced too small clothes before. But these things were the things that really started making me feel bad about myself, things that made me realize that I was larger than I ever wanted to be. Things that I never thought about, never realized would happen. Like, rings were getting too small. No, I don't mean got too small because I ate way too many of my beloved green olives. Too small day after day. And the worst part is that I can't wear my mother's love ring. It just doesn't fit. Not only that but I went up a shoe size. Yes, I know that we all do after babies. But this was SIGNIFICANT. And I am not even ready to put a weight loss ticker up yet. I wish I could. But I guess I am scared. Maybe this will be step two.
 
So, Mrs. Julie, here is what I am doing for you AND for me. I am making a plan.

1. Tomorrow I am making a date with my closet, a bag and a bin. And as hard as it will be, and as many tears I will shed (hey maybe it will be a pound...maybe....okay not so much) I am going to be honest with myself. The bag is for the clothes that I will not fit into, even if I lose a realistic 30 lbs. The bin is for those clothes that if I lost the 30 lbs I would fit into. The bag is going to the Church. The bin is going to the stairs closet. This will accomplish a few things. It will force me to be honest with myself on how bad it has gotten, it will be a DAILY reminder of my goals when I see the empty closet, and it will give me a "prize" when I have accomplished a goal, an article of clothing out of the bin. Not only that, but let's get real. This will cut like 20 minutes off of the "what fits what doesn't" routine.
   
2. Starting tomorrow I am pulling my "Get Wet" bracelets out. And I am putting a little ticker on my blog to force myself to be accountable. Feel free to push/motivate/humiliate me as necessary.
3. I am not going to delude myself. I know that my habits of eating won't change much. I don't eat often. But I will try to focus more on HOW MUCH I am eating, and I will grab some yummies I know I will eat as a quick snack-veggies, eggs, etc., and remind myself I can have a little snack and to not have a second helping. 
4. I am dusting off the EA Active, and tomorrow I am buying a new tension strap since mine ripped and is now useless. I used to be religious about it, but it has definitely slipped since blogging started. Which means that until I find a new routine, I may be a little missing. I am going to try to get a routine quickly, but please bear with me. I wouldn't leave you!
5. I am not going to punish myself this Christmas. I used some of my reward points and I got myself an Old Navy gift card. I will be heading there as soon as I get this card and I will be buying myself an outfit for Christmas. Christmas is a day about fun and family and memories. I don't want to be humiliated that my shirt doesn't fit. I don't want to worry if people are noticing my pants are too tight. I don't want to look back at pictures and think how fat I looked rather than see how happy my kids were. 

So Julie, I am with you. I am dedicating my Friday's to Fitness Friday. I am GOING to fit back into those jeans I threw in the back of the closet. I am GOING to feel good about how I look again. Because really, if mommy ain't happy, no one is happy. And my children and husband deserve me to be happy. And I deserve to be happy. I do so much for them....this is the one thing I can do for myself.